ello, jello

I wasn’t supposed to like the coat. It drew my eye on the rack, but it wasn’t supposed to actually fit. Or even genuinely look good. I wasn’t supposed to imagine myself with the coat at some train station in a city, maybe a cigarette between my fingers and a well-loved paperback in one of the pockets. It’s waiting for me at the store. I have a week to make up my mind. Tonight, coat-less, I think of the encounters I’ll have while wearing it. I’ll be at that train station and someone will look at me with my very smart-looking wool overcoat and think “wow, they’ve got their shit together” and in that moment maybe I actually will. Maybe by this time I’ll know what I’m doing with my life and won’t be living in a guest room in a partially renovated house anymore. Maybe I’ll have a cat named moonshine and finally have the snake tattoos I’ve been planning for years but am too broke to get. Maybe I’ll have my hormones figured out and be on the right meds. Maybe I’ll live in a strange building with stranger people and maybe the walls will be thin because I don’t really make that much money but at least I’ll be living a life that’s mine. And maybe oh maybe, this person that notices me while I’m wearing this coat will actually say something to me. Maybe my ticket fell out of my pocket. Maybe they read the book I have with me. Maybe they ask to bum a cigarette. Or maybe they see that I’m neither a woman nor a man and want to get to know me. And from this, maybe this person becomes someone important to me. I don’t know what that would look like (yet), but maybe it’s some sacred thing somewhat akin to romance. Maybe a few years down the road we’ll sit side by side on my shitty balcony in my strange apartment eating a meal that we’ve prepared together in my tiny kitchen and they’ll confess throughout spoonfuls that it all started with the coat. And I’ll pretend to be confused. They’ll then motion to it hanging next to my bed and I’ll roll my eyes and smile but I’ll lean my head on their shoulder and I’ll think about how lucky I am to have them in my life, all because of the coat. Or. Or maybe. Maybe I won’t. Maybe none of this will happen. But at least I’ll have a fantastic wool coat.