ello, jello

My nose piercings are tender and red. I think they’re called irritation bumps. The internet says they formed because of a lot of different reasons. It’s the different soap, it’s the anxiety, it’s the birth control, it’s the unwashed bedsheets, it’s the depression, it’s the way she was bright pink with my blood when I said stop a week ago and the way she held me tight while she whispered she was sorry and I know that she was sorry. She is sorry. She stopped when I said stop and yet I can’t stop remembering this ache. It’s not like last time: I know that she means it. I don’t know how to untangle the different aches. I just don’t know. I’m here and now but I’m also numb because that’s what I had to do the first time around. It’s all so much. (Maybe too much? I asked her what she wanted from Us this morning and she said Love, and Commitment to that Love. I said I didn’t know if I could do that because its all So Much Right Now and she held me and told me to Figure It Out Soon and then I cried the whole morning while she made me coffee and breakfast). I’m sitting in my car and her black lipstick is still on my cheek from when I dropped her off at work (because the snow was a surprise to both of us and my car handles the snow better) and I just bought her new tarot cards that I’ll give her tomorrow for her pre-birthday. (I bought her a knife, too. A silver steak knife that I’ll present to her in a black velvet box). Then she’ll be gone. And I’ll be gone. And hopefully by the end of those 10 days I’ll have Figured Out What I Feel. Maybe the new (old) bedsheets, new (old) soap, same (old) anxiety and depression will shine a different light on things. Maybe my piercings will heal with the break. Maybe I’ll unravel the aches under the gaze of the desert sun.