ello, jello

My father is so good, he is so kind. He’s so kind it hurts. It hurts because I know now that this world isn’t kind to kind men, it’s mean. It’s tough. It tells them that unless theyre invincible, they’re weak, that they’re not strong enough, that they need to be more for a family, the backbone, the muscle, the grit, the stamina. But my father has made every single school lunch for me since I was four. He has held me when I’ve cried and has asked me how I’ve felt about my friends, my classes, my brand new job. The gossip between my cousins, my newest crush, if I’ve done my taxes. He sits down with me and asks me to tell him everything. He leans forward with his chin in the palm of his hand and a look of pure awe on his face. His joy is my joy, my delight is his, my curiosity is his absolute discovery. Which is why I hurt. And I cry. Because I know my grandpa wasn’t there for him. My grandpa was HARD. He is a masculine man. He’s climbing ladders to get on roofs at 80 because he’s gonna build a fucking house goddamn it. He’s gonna fall off of ladders and refuse all medical help goddamn it. And he’s gonna ignore the way my grandma pleads with him please jimmy your body can’t take it, what am I gonna do without you if you fall again and he’s gonna die in his work boots goddamn it and I know that my grandpa does this because it’s the only way he knows how to show love, it’s the only way he knew how to love my dad, and this is what’s kill him, and so I’m scared, because my dad thinks he’s not a man. Because my grandpa is a real man. And a man DIES for his family. But my dad. My dad is living for his, and he feels like that’s not enough. But how do I tell my dad that the fact that he knows my coffee order, that he’s willing to be my gym buddy, that he’s THERE for me, that that’s more than I could ask for in. A dad. That I’m so grateful. And I wish this world were kind to kind men. My little brother is another sweet, sweet, gentle, kind man, and I swear to the fucking gods I will die on this fucking hill and protect them both with my life if I have to. Because this world needs living kind men. I will be the shield if I have to. Because who else is speaking up for kind men? Who?