ello, jello

It’s so weird reading old text messages

Like oh yeah, I used to say that a lot

And I forgot we talked about this back then

And especially I should have trusted my gut when I sent that.

I’m reading through old texts between me and my Washington friend, rare ones where I talk about my early relationship with Smiley. and I’m surprised that there was so much anxiety and doubt at the beginning. Like actual moments where I say I’m feeling uncomfortable on exactly this day at exactly this time. so why didn’t I listen to myself then? I feel frustrated for the past version of me. I just… I

don’t know. maybe I was hopeful? Hoping I was wrong, Knowing inside I was right, Hurting already, so what’s a bit more to see how far I can push it?

It’s hard, reading those old texts. But my friendship with that Washington friend started waaaay before my relationship with Smiley and even though it hurts to open up the stuff around the main wound, I have to. I refuse to live with the fear of anything related to our time together, including the friendship I held throughout it all.

Infected wounds don’t heal right.

They have to opened up to be cleaned before closing on their own.